The Journey of Humility

The journey of humility doesn’t begin until I admit that I suck.

I suck at my career as a writer, I just haven’t consistently participated in the process, even though I like it, even though I paid to have a website to host my writing, even though I believe I have the undeveloped talent, even though I feel my soul spinning in harmony when I do write, I haven’t made the time to do it constantly, and a writer who doesn’t write sucks by default. So therefore I suck, ahh, it actually feels great getting that off my chest.

I also suck as a mom, I am a new mom and I will probably suck at everything with this first child, wow… hopefully not, but if it happens… I wouldn’t be surprised. Too be a good parent I need skills I didn’t have when I wasn’t a parent, empathy, letting go of what other people expect and being there for my kid, checking in emotionally when things are hard, facing my own anger issues and embracing actual crap and never-ending messes. I would like to defeat those dragons and be there for this kid, but from where I am now to where I consider excellent would be… it’s so far that I don’t know that I will get there in time for my first child… but I promise I won’t give up, I’ll take at least one step forward everyday…

I also suck as a wife. I’m messy, I over spend money on my garden and crafts, I care about my Sims more than our relatives (only some of them), my cooking is meh (if meh is a cooking level), I have a shitty entitled attitude and I’m more aggressive than assertive. But, I am honest and I am patient and I am forgiving and I think I have it figured out how to get better. I’m going to listen more, it’s something I really suck at…

I also suck as a human being. It goes mostly to that I don’t listen with empathy. I wasn’t raised with empathy, I didn’t even see it until I was about 28, but now I have seen it, now I do know what it is and I don’t have any more excuses why I don’t start practicing empathy today.

I just listened to the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, it reminds me of Kaizen… but in order to start living the book, which I always intend to do when I listen to a book, I need to be at square one… I need to emotionally connect to how much I suck (breath).

I love video games so much… I can’t resist comparing my skills and personality to sims right now, I can’t.

Ok neat, outgoing, active, playful, nice 1-10, but with a max of 25 points…

Neat I think I have 4-7 because I always do all the dishes and I know there is a whole level of slob under me and a whole level of OCD above me. Probably 4.

Outgoing I think I have 1, but I know I am more outgoing than other introverts, I’m not scared to talk to strangers in person or on the phone… so I suppose 2.

Active I think I am highly active, I have always like exercising and getting things done. Yet… I know I am tired by 4-6PM… so I really think 8, the least active of the highly active.

Playful I am low because I love reading more than TV or pinball. Yeah… it is really really important that I do have some fun in life for me to be mentally balanced and enjoy life, but 10 minutes to 1 hour a day is enough to completely satisfy my need for play… so I must be low on playful, perhaps 2.

Nice I couldn’t help doing the math and seeing I have 7 points left… but I don’t really know if I deserve 7 nice points… it doesn’t matter too much though because the sims start acting different from 0-2, 3-7, 8-10… so the question is just am I medium or low nice? And I don’t really know to be honest. I know I am not highly nice, because I know those people, I like them, but I know I am not that nice… I was so afraid in the past of facing the fact that I’m not highly nice that I never openly considered if I was mean vs medium.

Ok, I just read a sims wiki that says mean sims get mad when someone says they have a temper (my husband). Easy going sims let some things get on their nerves, but overall are pretty good-natured. Compassionate sims like giving hugs and compliments and love making friends with everyone (my daughter).

So the question is am I mean or am I easy going?

I think I am easy going and my husband is mean, but I’m pretty sure he thinks that I am mean and that he is easy going…

Ah… I took a quiz but it failed at the end.

Ok going based on my empathy quiz from the Stanford morality quiz thing… I am average… so I quality for a 5… but really I’ll be honest I am a 3… and it’s more like a 2.5… because I do things nice people would do, but inside I’m standing on the edge between not giving a damn at any point in time… so I guess I walk the line of nice or not nice… but I don’t sleep much. Maybe I’m nicer when I actually sleep adequately. Or maybe I’m not?

I guess I would say I’m not consistently nice to my loved ones.

I am more nice than I would be satisfied with the majority of the time, but I snap at them too much… I get frustrated with them too much… I assume and misinterpret and judge too much… I guess I live in more of a range from 2-7… it’s as if the nicest I can be is not as nice as some other people I know consistently are.

If I value diversity I suppose I should value my own and just accept that I am mean-moderately nice and no amount of re-framing it is going to make me super nice…

It feels really good accepting myself.

I guess I know why I never really helped the ASPCA cats and dogs… I’m only nice enough to feel bad, not nice enough to spend my fun money helping them… until Amazon started giving them a cut of my fun money. I guess that about sums up how nice I am, I wouldn’t spend money to be nice, but I would take the time to shop for myself from the charity link that takes a small amount of effort to bookmark and decision power to select which charity I choose to help.



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